Imagine listening to music that isn't quite Christmas music yet teeters along at the same relaxed Michael Bublé pace for hours and hours on end. Welcome to the nightmare of remote working from a cafe.
For many office drones who stroll into a coffee shop, the sight of a hipster tapping away on his Apple Macbook Air is infuriating. While you're slaving away at the office following three crammed tube stops, one outfit change due to sweaty pits and a tiresome conversation in the kitchenette about last night's TV, some remote working guy has rolled out of bed and into a cafe.
Dig a little deeper, though, and you'll realise that remote working is nothing more than bolting yourself into a room full of coffee grinders, screaming kids and gossiping grandparents.
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Sitting in a Starbucks is like running an after school club
Sure, most coffee chains are an annoying mix of uni students, shopping fanatics and unemployed people launching their 'novels', but there's something particularly vexing about a Starbucks.
Unfortunately, the global caffeine powerhouse has unintentionally turned itself into an after school club, with the 13-16 age bracket desperate to grab pics of themselves holding branded coffee cups with their names on, just like celebs and influencers do on Instagram.
Starbucks' across the UK are full of kids spending their pocket money and hanging out. For the remote workers of the world, there is nothing more annoying than sitting between a group of 10 teenagers attempting to show off by flicking through the latest Snapchat filters.
Honestly... there's only so much relaxing music a human can take
A classic coffee shop playlist is built around 'relaxing vibes' and the type of music that ensures customers feel warm, peaceful and comfortable.
That's pretty damn useless when you need a pump of Skepta or blast of Foo Fighters to starve off the 3pm dip in concentration.
Everything that delicately flows from a coffee shop speaker has the same annoying melodic happiness as a Christmas song. Think various remixes of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, so-called stress-busting acoustic remixes, unnecessary amounts of Kate Nash and lots and lots of Jack Johnson/anyone else that sounds remotely like him.
Coffee-grinding machines literally go off every 30 seconds
If that's not enough to have you thudding your head into the table, remote workers also have the delight of having their playlists remixed with the sound of juddering coffee beans zizzed to a pulp every 30 seconds.
Those with remote working jobs don't rank their coffee shops by the drink options available but how loud the often deafening coffee grinders are.
0/10 - Starbucks - How do they even grind coffee that loud?
2/10 - Coffee Republic - Lots of noise locked into little rooms
3/10 - Pret a Manger - The sound of constant takeaway coffees
4/10 - Costa Coffee - Usually large enough to escape the ear pain
5/10 - Caffe Nero - Momentary flickers of peace... but only because no-one goes there
There is NOTHING more awkward than a beverage-free table
A daily shift as a remote worker often includes a moment of sudden regret. Because the moment you finish a cup of coffee too quickly, a smug staff member will glide over to the table and strip you of all your dignity by making your table an embarrassing beverage-free zone.
You can't help but feel overwhelming feelings of uneasiness when sat in a coffee shop without any sort of food or drink on your table. It's as if everyone else is looking at you and judging, pondering why you think it's okay to take the f**kin p*ss.
Either spend £2.80 every couple of hours or resort to drinking mugs full of cold coffee - these are your only two options.
Imagine trying to live off nothing but the Costa Coffee lunchtime deal
Given, this can be applied to every single coffee outlet on the market. Customers' nutrition is overlooked for cashing in on hunger with ridiculously expensive packets of nuts, toasties, crisps and cakes.
Protein balls that cost £4 can be stuffed in your gob at a rate that exceeds hourly freelance pay while not all customers have briefly exited a Pure Gym and need a bodybuilder hit of something called a Grenade bar.
There's pretty much no sustenance available for those set-up in a cafe for more than 2-3 hours. Sure, you can always just leave for lunch yet this only kick-starts the merry-go-round of ordering drinks, feeling awkward, and trying to find somewhere to sit that isn't directly next to one of those god-damn coffee grinders!
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