Square Enix’s Tomb Raider, Mass Effect’s Commander Shepard, and Kingdom Hearts 3’s Kairi are all undateable.
It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and while that always means the prices of chocolates and smelly flowers become massively overpriced, it also means there’ll be a bunch of listicles about the sexiest video game characters us socially awkward men and women would love to date. The typical beauty pageants always include Square Enix’s Lara Croft from the modern Tomb Raider reboot, Resident Evil 2‘s Leon, Mass Effect‘s Commander Shepard, Catherine‘s Katherine, and sometimes even Kairi from Kingdom Hearts 3.
However, if you ignore the fact that most of these video game protagonists are dreamy hunks who have the biggest and most alluring butts, you’d see that they’re actually terrible people who should NEVER date anyone.
Commander Shepard is always the chiseled god men and women agree about when it comes to insanely hot male protagonists in video games. And rightly so! Not only is his model gorgeous, but he’s also a reliable and incredibly brave man who never stops thinking of others before himself. However, while he’d undoubtedly show you a good time beneath the sheets, every time you want sex with him you’d have to endure a long and boring speech of self-pity. It’s just not worth it.
If your Commander Shepard isn’t a douchebag who punches reporters and pushes soldiers out of a window, there’s also the issue of him being a “nice guy”. Like Miranda Lawson, you’d soon get tired of the perfect appearance and attitude that sometimes makes him come across as an uncanny robot.
Katherine from Catherine is a nightmare. Sure, she’s got long legs, beautiful hair, and a sexy nerd get-up, but she’s also overbearing and intolerable. Throughout the majority of Catherine she whines about our relationship status with her, and she constantly tries to blackmail us into tying the knot so she can please her parents and be hitched up like her mates. She also berates Vincent for the way he spends HIS money, and she’s just an insufferable nag who is way scarier than any nightmare bride wielding a chainsaw.
Leon S. Kennedy
Yes, Leon is the best Resident Evil character of all time, but that doesn’t mean he’d be a perfect boyfriend. Although he’s drop-dead gorgeous with his Kota Ibushi hairstyle that is now actually blonde rather than ginger, he’s ultimately a policeman who’s terrible at spotting danger and any small details. He also constantly states the obvious, and I’m pretty sure he’s a psychopath with how he just wanders into bloody rooms of massacred bodies with no other thought than “that’s odd”.
Lara Croft used to be a cool badass who you’d like ride on the back of a motorcycle with, but now she’s a whiny and prissy young adult who’s always “me, me, me”. Rather than showing how Lara became the Tomb Raider we all know and still dream about, Square Enix’s modern reboot did nothing but turn her into a destructive lass who is miraculously even more unlikeable than Jennifer Lawrence’s Katniss Everdeen.
She’s always blaming Trinity for the world’s problems rather than herself, and she never takes any damn responsibility. And as if all this wasn’t bad enough, you’d have to try and get along with her unhealthily obsessed pet, Jonah. Having a few drinks with him down at the local bar might not sound too bad, but he’s definitely an unhinged psychopath who watches Lara as she sleeps when he’s not smelling her hair.
Kairi is the worst character in Kingdom Hearts. Why Sora still has any feelings for her is a mystery more unsolvable than what the series’ narrative is actually about.
Before saying everything that’s wrong with her, let’s try and think of some positives. She’s got red hair, she has nice blue eyes… and that’s about it. She is a terrible person who is impossible to be smitten with as she’s pretty much Princess Peach but in a world of her own rather than another castle.
She’s bland, she doesn’t do anything with her keyblade, and she’s always saying she’ll protect Sora by holding his hand when he’s the one who has constantly been forced to rescue her. When you compare her to the heroic Aqua and even the depressing Xion, it’s hard not to see Kairi as anything more than a parasite.