Liverpool will battle Arsenal for the 28-year-old Frenchman Philippe Mexes, who is likely to leave Roma on a free transfer when his contract ends at the close of the season, if they decide Gary Cahill is not worth the money, or indeed if Cahill decides Liverpool are not worth the hassle of moving house, and joins Manchester United instead.
Also linked with moves to Anfield, not for the first time, are Real Sociedad's Antoine Griezmann, St Etienne's Dimitri Payet and Yann M'Vila of Rennes. And joining Mexes on the free-transfer-funded flight from Italy is Andrea Pirlo, incredibly still just 31 and thus with a good 20 years of top-level football in him if he stays at San Siro, but apparently Manchester City-bound after Milan decided to slash the pass master from their astonishingly large wage bill.
Gareth Bale's hamstring injury is Wales's fault after all. "I wouldn't have let him go if he had an injury," sobs Harry Redknapp in the Mail, where he blames the Welsh and insists the crisis is their fault. "When he left here on Saturday he certainly wasn't injured. He must've done it with Wales. I'm not blaming anyone. It's no one's fault."
Summer shopping frenzy latest: Tottenham are locked in a three-way battle with Ajax and Borussia Dortmund for VVV Venlo's Nigerian prodigy Ahmed Musa; Sunderland have made Nicklas Bendtner their top close-season target, with Charles N'Zogbia also in their sightlines; chart-topping hitmaker Chipmunk wants to record a duet with heavily accented Children's TV puppet Rastamouse.
Edwin van der Sar will continue working for Manchester United when he hangs up his boots this summer. "It may be that I'm going to give United clinics in Asia, or something in commerce. I have already held some talks." Hang on, something in commerce?
Mario Balotelli had a furious row with pals of Rooney-bedding £1,200-a-night prostitute Jenny Thompson – whom you may remember better by her nickname, Juicy Jenny – at Manchester restaurant San Carlo this month. The Italian apparently chanted "Rooney! Rooney!" upon spotting the beauty, before squaring up to a friend, property developer Sam, 21. "Our foreheads were touching and I wasn't going to back down," said Sam. "He was acting crazy. I think he is unhinged." The situation was rescued by the intervention of waiters, and Balotelli sped to safety in his white Maserati.
Talking of total kno ... no, better not. Anyway, Liverpool prodigy Jonjo Shelvey's Twitter account has been suspended after he posted a picture of his penis. "Apologies for the picture, one of my mates messing around with my phone! Sorry!" tweeted Shelvey, moments before his short social media-horrifying career was prematurely curtailed.
Qatar are hoping to provide fans and players at the 2022 World Cup with respite from the burning sun by inventing a giant remote-controlled cloud and flying it in the sky. They plan to make the cloud from "light carbon materials and indigenous sources" before lifting it into the air and moving it about using remote-controlled, solar-powered engines. "We are in discussion with the Qatar Science and Technology Park about the costs and to create an initial model on a trial basis," says someone from a university.
If Wolves go down and QPR go up, Kevin Doyle will be top of Neil Warnock's shopping list come the summertime. Also on a Championship side's radar is Emile Heskey, who could end his career where he started it after he emerged as a £2m target for Sven-Goran Eriksson's Leicester. Fulham, meanwhile, have spent all week courting 17-year-old Plymouth wonderkid Jack Stephens and his father, only for the versatile right-sided prodigy to spurn their four-day-long advances in favour of continued employment with the bankrupt League Two-bound Pilgrims.
If you win tonight's EuroMillions jackpot, you will be wealthier than Phil Collins. And significantly more popular.
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