John Terry may have just got the England armband back but according to unofficial and possibly unreliable sources he is about to lose the Chelsea one.
In fact, he is also going to be stripped off the Chelsea jersey, socks and shorts. And you know what that means, readers, don't you? It means, readers, that he's going to be stark bloomin' naked! That's no way for an honest-to-goodness family man to be appearing in public so thanks be to Harry that Spurs are planning to give Terry some clobber with which to cover himself.
In the unlikely event of them qualifying for next season's Champions League, Spurs may even stretch to providing kit for Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba, who, like Terry, are rumoured to be close to being ushered away from Stamford Bridge this summer as Roman Abramovich seeks to rejuvenate his squad. Of course, it has been pointed out to the Russian, or is about to be, that if he really wants to shift players who are manifestly on the decline, then the obvious place to start is with that recent £50m investment …
The new blood being coveted by Chelsea includes Sergio Aguëro, Wesley Sneijder, Alexis Sanchez, Jack Rodwell and all the other blokes you see continually linked with every big club in Europe. One name that you don't often see linked with clubs that Rafael Benítez would describe as big is the Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini. And yet the Belgian is about to become the subject of a £22m bid from Real Madrid.
You won't catch Arsenal spending that sort of money on anyone. Certainly not on the Celtic left-back Emilio Izaguirre, who is being lined up as a potential replacement for Gaël Clichy, who, according to the Daily Mail, is to be called in for "make-or-break talks" about a new contract. The Mail also says that Barcelona are interested in Clichy, while the Mill says that if Clichy had been entrusted with the crucifixion, Jesus would probably have been nailed to a haystack or a bucket of water or dung, because, yes, Clichy has no idea what a good cross is.
Spurs. We must mention them again. Because they just keep on cropping up when talk turns to transfer wheeling and dealing, for some reason. Apparently they're considering making a move for the highly-rated up-and-coming Liverpool prospect who's continually tipped for great things, Joe Cole.
Liverpool, meanwhile, are plotting a trip to Goodison Park, where they will attempt to sweet talk Leighton Baines into treachery. Liverpool and Everton are also set to do battle over Real Madrid's Fernando Gago. Spurs are also going to get involved in that, obviously.
Bayern Munich are preparing to pay Manchester United £30m for a player whom Sir Alex Ferguson does not think is good enough to big games. Is this the latest twist in the fantastical story of Bébé? No, it means the Premier League's odd top scorer, Dimitar Berbatov, is about to be given a new pair of lederhosen.
Unhappy with how Manchester City's season has gone, Roberto Mancini will tackle his next campaign with a daring new formation, but that first means buying Wayne Hennessey from Wolves and securing permission to field three goalkeepers at the same time against any team in the top four.
Lyon are going to show manager Claude Puel the door, and then frogmarch him to it and boot him clean out. Then they will invite either Didier Deschamps or the current Morocco manager, Eric Gerets, to take up residence at Stade Gerland.
Finally, and perhaps in a bid to silence the growing calls for Gérard Houllier's head, rumours have begun circulating that Aston Villa may appoint Steve Staunton.
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