The Only Banker's Diet That Works

Bacon Butty

So it’s a new year. We gained the usual seven pounds over Christmas, we indulged in one too many mince pies, three too many roast potatoes, not to mention I don’t how many gallons of red wine, cheese board selections, and that final box of Quality Streets that we just didn’t need. 

And now we’re one month into the new year and already we’re ready to throw our healthy eating regime out the window as the first year's pay cheque hits our bank account and we can finally (finally!) go out again. (Why is January such a long month?)

But instead of flailing new diet regimes, I’m noticing the waistlines of my office counterparts shrinking, which begs the question: what’s their secret this year? Perhaps they're on a new plan, but hell, it’s one that includes Venti Lattes and early morning bacon butties.

We’ve seen the raw food diet (but really, how long can you go without hot food in winter?), the soup diet (not exactly conducive with a work environment), the Alternative Day Diet (otherwise known as 'binge and starve'), so what’s left? I’ve been around long enough to know that dieting fads come and go faster than the City boys change their ties, but undoubtedly this one has results. If I’m still on Atkins, this one seems way more effective.

But after some digging below the surface it seems that there is no new diet regime. The answer is a plan that never fails. Tried and tested on numerous occasions, this concept is fool proof with a 100% success rate. It really does do what it says on the ticket. Take a closer look around. The colleagues around you haven’t shrunk due to their new, healthy eating plan and shrinking bank balance. The nouveau cuisine lavish style Michelin restaurants have been replaced with two-for-one offers at Pizza Express and wine at plenty dinner parties, so it’s hardly that.

Everyone is merely worried about keeping their job and the shrinking bonus pool. The diet plan: a global economic meltdown.  The result: worry. The diet: Worry Me Thin. The fear to send us into relapse: a global economic boom.

We might have lost that final half a stone but does it feel as good as we thought? I’ll let you decide.

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