Be it the markets, the pain I feel for Northern Rock, or - perhaps most likely - city life just catching up with me, I'm stressed. My quest to alleviate this situation has led to the all important bottom line (lined with lingerie) and is here for you to profit from....
The manicurist gave me a forgiving smile and another coat of nail polish. "Now sit down and stop touching things!" she ordered, and condemned me to another five minutes of restlessness with my nails stretched out under the fan.
If only I could learn to gaze into the air empty headed.
It's clear, the thinking going on in my head and my stress level required a true professional.
Muscles toned from good old-fashioned labour, swinging guitars and downing pints - complete with tattoos and beautiful blue eyes. Mr Rough and Ready.
He turned up at my doorstep with a flower. A hand picked flower, and a kiss I felt like a tornado through my body.
If you want, you can take the other steps first: smoking, drinking, chocolate and the purchase of a lavish overpriced designer handbag (which now makes the rest of your belongings look totally inadequate).
But you will only end up more stressed, now also about your lungs, your liver, your weight and making more money. Oh, hang on, that's your job.
Now think about a strong masculine hand, the breathes of a heavy, soft, strong body, a hard wall behind you and then a bed, your hair entangled between his fingers, and your resistance melting in the heat.
F*** self help books and aromatherapy. Old school alleviation is where its at.
May not be capitalistic, and may not oil the wheels of the economy or boost the lifestyle and leisure sectors.
But I once heard it said: never buy anything at a discount other than stock, and if it's free and full-filling (excuse the pun), satisfying and 'stress busting', it must be an even better trade.
Even fair-trade, I'd say.
Plus, after how many trades do you get to c*m twice?
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