Biggest Rumour Ever - Video Banker & Lucy Gao To Wed!

The most sensational rumour ever swept global trading floors Friday, with speculation mounting that investment banking wannabee Aleksey Vanyer (The 'Impossible Is Nothing' man) looks set to wed former Citigroup intern Lucy Gao. There are claims that details of the wedding arrangements were leaked by someone at UBS Investment Bank in New York. A firm spokesperson has said, however, that it is not the company's policy to leak details of a personal and confidential nature.

Detailed below is a copy of what is claimed to be Lucy's e-mail invitation to her wedding reception, which naturally is to be held at the Ritz Hotel in London.

'From Lucy Gao

Re: My Wedding Party at the Ritz Hotel, London.

Saturday 2nd December, 2006

9.00pm Champagne reception - Aleksey will demonstrate how to juggle 7 empty champagne bottles, while at the same time playing 'The Theme From The Deer Hunter' on his hand-made guitar.

10pm Video Shoot - Aleksey will use all his expertise to make the best ever wedding reception video. He will produce, direct, star in and film the video for the benefit of guests and the global public. Interested parties will be able to download a copy from the internet at a later date for a small charge (It will be out in time for Christmas, and make the ideal Christmas Gift for those special people in your life). The proceeds from the video will go to a charity Alexey has established for the families of the 24 victims he claims to have killed in the caves of Tibet in a recent 'fight-to-the-death' contest.

10.30pm - The Cutting of the Wedding Cake. Alexsey will use his hands to cut the cake into 495 perfectly formed pieces. Guests are reminded to stay well clear of Aleksey during this part of the ceremony, as we don't want any accidents with his lethal weapons.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY

When you arrive, take the Hotel entry on the opposite side of the Green Park tube station (Please refer to your arrival time at the end of this e-mail).

* When asked ''how can I help you Sir / Madam ?'', you reply 'I am an internationally-famous person, and I'm here for Alexsey and Lucy's wedding party bash'.

* You will be escorted to the lounge area next to the Rivoli Bar, where you will hopefully see the most gorgeous wedding couple ever.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the Ritz, please call Alexsey on his mobile. He will transmit directions direct to your brain.

STRICT DRESS CODE:

Gentlemen: Black tie (no jeans, trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)

Ladies: Cocktail dresses (no denim, mini-skirts, flip-flops, bad tastes)

Advise: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry (Exceptions will only be made for the Dalai Lama, Bob Geldof and Jamie Oliver)

Finally, we shall be accepting wedding gifts at any time after 11.30pm. Please note, no Degas or Van Gogh paintings - Alexsey's copies are much better than all their best work.

I very much look forward to seeing you at the Ritz in December.

ARRIVAL TIMES (Please stick to these as best you can. Thank you)

9pm: Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Nelson Mandela

9.15pm: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Kofi Annan, Pope Benedict, Simon Cowell

9.30pm: The Dalai Lama, Bob Geldof, Gary Glitter, Ant & Dec

9.45pm: Graham Norton, George W. Bush, Kim Jong II, Basil Brush

10.00pm: Madonna, Miss Piggy, Jack Nicholson,

10.15pm: Jamie Oliver, Vanessa Feltz, Oprah, Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne

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