Koeman needs a Christmas miracle if he is to lead The Toffees into Europe.
Christmas is coming and Ronald Koeman is a man who knows what he wants.
A few more points on the board would be a fine stocking filler but challenging for Europe doesn’t really go hand in hand with conceding last minute winners at Burnley.
So what’s next on his festive wishlist?
A state-of-the-art time machine
If Koeman is planning for a long-term stay at Goodison Park, he’s going to have to start looking to the future at some point because, at present, Everton have the fourth oldest squad in the Premier League.
Everton’s Ashley Williams scores
While Gareth Barry and Ashley Williams appear indispensable, the playmaking fulcrum and the defensive stalwart of an otherwise inconsistent side, Phil Jagielka’s best years are clearly behind him with unforced errors creeping into his game. It’s hard to imagine the Jagielka of 2012 giving away two spot kicks in the same game like the 2016 vintage did at Manchester City.
The younger members of Everton’s squad, from Ross Barkley to James McCarthy, are yet to prove they can cope without the guiding hand of their elder statesmen. But they won’t be around forever.
A PHD in motivational speaking
Koeman has done little for the straight-talking Dutchman stereotype at Goodison Park. So far, however, his stick over carrot approach to man-management is yet to yield any discernible results.
Barkley’s least productive season is showing no signs of giving way to a post-Christmas explosion of goals and assists, while Gerard Deulofeu and Kevin Mirallas have regressed into their shells since the exit of the sickly sweet-talker Roberto Martinez.
Perhaps Koeman should adopt the old arm-around-the-shoulder approach rather than the slag-your-players-off-in-public routine.
A human sized cotton wool suit
While much of Arsenal’s attacking thrust stems from the hustle and bustle of Alexis Sanchez and Diego Costa has developed a handy knack for matchwinners, no team in the Premier League is as reliant on one player as Everton are on Romelu Lukaku.
The Belgian has scored nearly half of The Toffees Premier League goals this season and if the unspeakable were to occur, Koeman has either alienated or lost trust in each of Everton’s potential replacements.
The seldom-seen Arouna Kone, the ostracised Oumar Niasse and the far from clinical Enner Valencia hardly strike much fear into opposition backlines.
Joe Hart. Essentially anyone better than Maarten Stekelenberg.
It goes without saying really. Few goalkeepers have looked as shaky, as regularly, as Stekelenberg this season and even when injury forced the frequently flat-footed Dutchman off in the Merseyside derby, replacement Joel Robles displayed all the agility of Per Mertesacker dragging a washing machine up a spiral staircase as Sadio Mane tapped home the winner.
Does anyone have Joe Hart’s number? Koeman said we wasn’t interested in the summer but times have changed.
Love Affairs and Marriage; My Life in Football by Howard Kendall
The dearly departed gaffer will forever remain a legend at Goodison, with each and every incumbent next in line expected to uphold certain codes and conducts in memorial to the greatest manager in the club’s history.
Koeman could certainly do with a bit of advice on how to get the fans onside and who better to take inspiration from than one Howard Kendall? Maybe there’s a chapter on not telling the national media that your star player would be better off leaving or advice on why adorning your Christmas tree with red tinsel isn’t a great idea.
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