Here's a few clever, silly, and somewhat harsh suggestions from some of our writers, featuring Arsenal, Blackburn Rovers, Leicester City, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Sunderland, West Ham United.
Arsenal - Elvis Presley
A little less conversation, a little more action.
Blackburn Rovers - Supergrass
Big in the '90s. Nowhere now.
Leicester City - Kasabian
The top of the heap - but only because everyone else let their guard down.
Liverpool - Madonna
Huge in the 80s, desperate to stay relevant now, but yielding little real success.
Liverpool - U2
Once one of the best acts on the planet, with a massive fanbase, now holding onto past glories, with output of diminishing quality, a lack of awards and a front man prone to talking rubbish.
Manchester City - One Direction
Big money backing turned them into a major brand from nowhere.
Manchester City - Biggie Smalls
More money, more problems.
Newcastle United - Sting
Inducing nostalgia in people over the age of 45.
Sunderland - David Bowie
Sunderland - Bon Jovi
Livin' on a prayer.
Sunderland - Jay Z
99 problems, but a pitch ain't one.
West Ham United - B-EAST-ie Boys
Cult band. Big following. Never had a number 1.
West Ham - Tom Jones, The Voice
Changing where you play isn't always a winning formula.
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