Memo from HR - Political correctness

Email Simon Stratford

It has come to our attention that some members of staff are making politically incorrect comments to fellow employees, and even business contacts.

Detailed below are some general guidelines in this matter, together with a short-form 'dictionary' of politically correct sayings.

Staff are asked to assess the group of people you're speaking with and at least make some effort to gauge who might be offended by what.

If employees insist on cracking jokes, please select jokes which seem appropriate for the group at hand. Avoid racial, ethnic, sexual or any other types of humour that may make certain audience members feel uncomfortable. The firm will no longer accept the often used excuse that your immediate line manager was the one who told you the joke in the first place!

Staff are asked to make an extra effort to be politically correct around people you have not met before, especially potential new clients and future employees of the company.

Politically Correct Dictionary

Please note that you should not describe an employee as 'lazy'. The person concerned should be referred to as 'motivationally deficient'.

Someone does not 'fail' - they 'achieve a deficiency'.

A colleague is not 'dishonest' - he or she is 'ethically disoriented'.

Please do not use the word 'wrong' - try 'differently logical'.

Instead of 'ugly', try saying 'cosmetically different'.

For 'unemployed, say 'involuntarily leisured'.

Other examples are:

'Dead' - 'living impaired'.

'Spendthrift' - 'negative saver'.

'Ignorant' - 'knowledge-based non-possessor'.

'Unsophisticated' - 'socially malformed'.

Some of our male colleagues have complained of being referred to in a politically incorrect manner, and staff are asked to adhere to the following:

A male member of staff does not have 'a fat beer gut'. He has developed a 'liquid grain storage facility'.

He does not 'sleep around', he is merely 'horizontally over-generous'.

He is not a 'cradle snatcher', but simply prefers 'generationally differential relationships'.

He does not 'stink', he suffers from 'hygiene aversion syndrome'.

He does not tell 'endless, boring, unfunny jokes', but is simply 'humourly over-confident'.

He doesn't 'eat like a pig', but has 'reverse bulimia'.

And finally, staff should be respectful when speaking to female colleagues too.

Please note that a female staffer is not a 'moaner', she is merely vocally appreciative'.

She is not a 'nag', she simply becomes 'orally repetitive'.

Thank you for your co-operation.



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