‘All right, petal’ – a quick guide to talking to plants

Man Flowers

B&Q have appointed their first official ‘plant whisperers’ - but anyone can master the art of speaking to their shrubs. Just don’t mention Prince Charles

B&Q has appointed its first “plant whisperers”: employees paid to say nice things to flowers in order to get them to bloom in the right way. Far from being something ridiculous that B&Q has dreamed up and stuck on a press release to gain column inches in publications such as the one you are currently reading, plant whispering is an exact science – here’s a quick guide on how best to talk to your plants ...

Tailor your swearwords

If you decide to take the “tough love” approach to plant whispering, just remember that a plant is not a human, and so has no conception as to what the F-word, the C-word, the W-word and the Q-word (if you don’t know what the Q-word is, ask around, it’s a relatively new thing) mean in the grand scheme of things. However, if you tell a plant that it is a pollinating gynoecium and you are going to kick it in the pistils if it doesn’t grow faster, the results will speak for themselves.

Don’t mention the bees

Probably best not to mention ongoing fears about the imminent extinction of bees and the catastrophic effect that would have on all plant life as their main means of pollination dies squirming on its back thanks to mankind’s psychopathic disregard for the Earth’s ecology. Even the hardiest cactus would get demotivated by that.

Don’t mention Prince Charles

Plants may not possess optical organs and may have spent their entire existence sitting in a small pot on a garden centre shelf with no access to print media or the internet, but even they are fed up with hearing about how Prince Charles talks to his geraniums. He’s just ruining it for the rest of us.

Plants hate puns

Actually, we can’t say this is definitely true from a scientific standpoint, but we’re pretty sure that, if you follow B&Q’s guidelines and plant-whisper things such as “You rose well today”, “I’m hedge-ing my bets on you”, “Alright, petal”, “You’re blooming marvellous” and “Show me your flower power”, then you’re going to be nurturing a herbaceous border that thinks you are a proper berk.

Powered by Guardian.co.ukThis article was written by Pete Cashmore, for The Guardian on Wednesday 29th July 2015 15.59 Europe/London

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