Latest Bond spectre: Noel Gallagher wants to write an 007 theme

Daniel Craig As James Bond

Spectre looms and the slow drip of information for the 24th Bond film has begun.

We have witnessed Daniel Craig in a turtleneck on the teaser poster, as well as December’s casting announcement introducing Léa Seydoux and Christoph “He’s not Blofeld, honest” Waltz.

The theme-song singer has not been revealed, however. This week, heavy-browed Britpop deity Noel Gallagher said, unexpectedly, that he’d write the next Bond song “in a heartbeat”.

Before Bond and Oasis fans get excited or outraged, Gallagher would face a few problems with this ambition. As he admits, he’s a less recognisable star in the States than previous Bond-theme artists. However, perhaps the biggest obstacle is that Bond themes by guitar heroes tend to fall a bit flat. Chris Cornell, Garbage and Jack White have all produced tracks that ranged from unmemorable to awkward, while the less said about Sheryl Crow’s Tomorrow Never Dies the better (although, given a different version of this song by Pulp was a contender, it could have been worse).

It’s safe to say that if you want a classic Bond song, you’re best off going with a big orchestra, a chart diva and a chorus that crowbars in the film’s title by any means necessary. It’s not an impossible task: despite the awkward and slightly too jaunty reggae-piano segment, Paul McCartney and Wings’ Live and Let Die is still one of the standout 007 tunes. Surely Gallagher, one of the most successful songwriters of recent years and a man known for taking inspiration from McCartney’s other band, would be able to turn something out that would work?

So what should we expect from a Noel Gallagher Bond song? Big, loud guitars would almost certainly play a part, as well as a chorus that a generation of drunken men in tracksuits could sing with arms in the air, spilling pints on all who pass.

The Oasis back catalogue might give some idea as Gallagher’s possible direction. Cigarettes and Alcohol would suit 007’s hard-living lifestyle. Picture this: the Spectre title sequence begins. Silhouettes of models slink across the screen. Liam’s dulcet tones begin as cascading rivers of Stella come crashing down from giant cans, with Bond slowly donning round John Lennon sunglasses. Epic.

In terms of rousing choruses backed by an orchestra, The Masterplan fits in nicely given Bond’s history of foiling diabolical plans. You could just see Noel in a chair stroking a white cat to this, couldn’t you? Maybe Liam could be his Oddjob-styled henchman, but with a tambourine instead of a natty hat?

Noel’s on his own these days, of course, having just released his second album. Of his solo efforts, If I Had a Gun … has a suitable title and a grander feel to it. The romantic theme might be a problem for the new, grittier Bond, though. If Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace taught us anything, it’s that 007 has become more insular and still can’t handle relationships.

While Noel Gallagher could draw on some sterling examples from his back catalogue, there’s no shame in borrowing from the franchise’s past. We suggest the writer of Wonderwall should look to the genius behind Rudebox, Mr Robbie Williams. His 1998 hit Millennium nicked a Bond theme (John Barry’s memorable motif from You Only Live Twice) to front a swooning pop song that would have been a better fit for 1999’s The World is Not Enough than Garbage’s groaning effort. Today’s reboot culture would welcome a Noel Gallagher song that was similarly light-fingered, surely? How about giving Goldfinger a go, Noel?

Powered by Guardian.co.ukThis article was written by James Luxford, for theguardian.com on Friday 20th March 2015 17.30 Europe/Londonguardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2010