The most pointless film sequels of 2014

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Green Goblin Bio

The Spider-Man franchise is the current record-holder for inessential sequels now that, if you count the Amazings, it’s produced three of them on the trot.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

And yet, miraculously, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was the worst of them all – a tedious, overstuffed, personality-free dirge. It was so poorly received, in fact, that Sony even reportedly considered loaning Spider-Man back to Marvel. I hope this happens, just so that Avengers 3 can contain a scene in which everyone punches Spider-Man in his stupid face for 15 solid minutes.

The Bronx Bull

Upon completing Raging Bull, Martin Scorsese – exhausted, bearded, still reeling from the after-effects of illness and cocaine addiction – looked back on his work and proclaimed: “I’ve done all I can. One day I hope that the writer of the Carmen Electra vehicle Oy Vey! My Son Is Gay!! will bring my story to a satisfactory conclusion.” And that’s how this year’s non-awaited Raging Bull follow-up The Bronx Bull came to be. The Bronx Bull is exactly like Raging Bull, just without the budget or talent or anyone around to say, “Maybe the line “Are you putting it to my wife, or planning to put it to her?” could be expressed more succinctly.”

Dolphin Tale 2

Remember Dolphin Tale, the inspiring and uplifting true story about the disabled dolphin? Remember the magical ending, where the humans invented a prosthetic tail and the dolphin was happy again? Well forget that, because they went and made Dolphin Tale 2 – and it’s basically just severe, endless aquatic depression. Watching it is like finding out that Dorothy got hit by a bus 10 seconds after The Wizard Of Oz ended.

Atlas Shrugged: Part III

The story behind the Atlas Shrugged movies is one of such towering hubris and misfired ambition that it probably stands as history’s most perfect counterpoint to anything Ayn Rand ever wrote. A Kickstarter-funded sequel starring none of the previous instalment’s cast (none of whom appeared in the first instalment) and directed by a man with a single episode of Nash Bridges to his name.

Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero

Many thoughts crossed the minds of those watching Eli Roth’s horror flick Cabin Fever in 2002, including “Well, that’s 93 minutes I’ll never get back.” Nobody thought: “Wow, I wonder what happened before the events of this film”, but that didn’t stop some idiot from making a prequel. Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero was so unloved that Roth has genuinely decided to exorcise it by remaking the first Cabin Fever again. Thanks to Cabin Fever 3, we now live in a world where people won’t stop making Cabin Fever films. What a terrible time to be alive.

Backlashes of the year

They started off popular but something changed – and in our social media age, a backlash can go bonkers within minutes. Here are six of the biggest

The Fall

Loved for its “sexy serial killer” scenario, The Fall fell prey to accusations of excessive violence and was arrested for not having a believable plot any more.

The Bottom Pop posteriors dominated 2014, with Nicki Minaj, J-Lo, Iggy Azalea and, um, Jason Derulo jiggling their jelly. But in T-Swift’s Shake It Off video, they became the butt of the joke.

Band Aid 30

The charity single came back in a burst of excitement (Ed Sheeran and Bono!) but soon came accusations of pop imperialism. Even an Ebola survivor called it “culturally ignorant”.

Interstellar

Christopher Nolan’s space epic sold out every IMAX in the galaxy. Then it turned out to be sombre, long and full to the brim with impenetrable science. And people were surprised.

Lena Dunham

First, the third season of Girls was said to have lost its heart (as if it had one in the first place). Then came controversy over her “memoir”. The unquestioning Lena Dunham love-in had ended.

Louis CK

First he was the comics’ comic with the genre-busting comedy series. Then he was an ignorant pedlar of melodrama and masturbation jokes. The two are mutually exclusive.

Powered by Guardian.co.ukThis article was written by Stuart Heritage, for The Guardian on Saturday 20th December 2014 06.00 Europe/London

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