It will be the customary mud and rain at Glastonbury 2014, if the forecasts are to be believed. So here's how to stop the weather putting a dampener on the weekend
Glastonbury: mystical field of dreams, Valhalla of alternative-culture unity, imagination and hedonism, psychedelic playground of the drug-blitzed and free. When it's sunny. When it's wet, it can be a hellhole. A vale of porridge, a mile-wide ruptured sewer. The sort of place you'd only usually go to re-enact the Battle of Bosworth Field or report on an environmental disaster zone.
Such conditions, if the latest reports are true, are becoming more likely at 2014's event. PaddyPower has slashed the odds of it raining every day this weekend to 4/7. For veterans, of course, these are just normal Glastonbury conditions, so here's how to get through it with your sanity intact.
1 Avoid the beaten track
The main thoroughfares become welly graveyards within hours of the first big draw hitting the Pyramid stage and you'll be constantly held up by drunk, stuck flower-teens trying to pull each other out of the knee-deep gunge in a slow, futile battle against gravity. So hunt out short cuts and lesser-trodden paths. If you must take a main route, keep your feet moving even when stationery, or risk falling victim to the dreaded boot-suck effect yourself – Glastonbury mud could be used to glue military aircraft together.
2 Sacrifice unnecessary clothes
Only take clothes you were planning to throw out anyway, wear them for one day and then use them as one-off groundsheets. There's nothing worse than dragging your slowly fracturing ankles around the site for three days only to find that sitting down anywhere will cost you £60 in jeans. Alternatively, sell your soul for a collapsible camping chair.
3 Live in the Green Fields
There's no better way of ensuring that your perfectly preserved remains are excavated from Worthy Farm in 3,000 years' time and named Pilton Man than staying put in front of the Pyramid Stage all weekend, slowly sinking into the mushy peat. Even at the most bog-riddled Glastonbury, corners of the Sacred Space and the Green Futures field retain the idyllic wonder you came for. Well, about 4ft of clean grass anyway.
4 Take fewer drugs
Honestly, you don't want to be the guy insisting you keep skanking, despite having lost a finger, when there's a strong possibility of life-threatening infection.
5 Camp high
As the ancient Somerset saying goes: "He who camps high will remain dry, he who camps low from their pop-up tent must row."
6 Find indoor pursuits
Skip the headliners and get to Block 9 and Shangri-La early – they open around 11pm – to avoid an all-night drenching in the queues outside, or head to the underground piano bar, the Crow's Nest or the Rabbit Hole for more surreal refuge from the elements. Somewhere on site there is a sumptuous cinema where you can lounge on a huge bed supping cocktails and watching Dirty Dancing all weekend but I won't tell you where, because I don't want you lot stinking the place up.
7 If you fall over, use it
OK, so you're covered in filth. No biggie, the weekend goes on. Use your new-found status to stride confidently to the front of any stage, the crowd parting like the Red Sea before you. Head to the Children's Field and make spare cash telling stories as Bogbeast Barry. Or talk your way backstage claiming to be a member of Fat White Family and drink their rider.
8 Don't be squeamish
It's not going to dry up in a couple of hours and Glastonbury won't come to you with a sedan chair, so stop cowering in your tent, embrace the fact that you're going to risk eating cow dung and get out there and enjoy it anyway.
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