Five things to expect from Andy Gray on Sunday...

Sian Massey

Football commentator and former Sky Sports pundit Andy Gray will return to our screens this weekend for Arsenal and Liverpool’s FA Cup clash at the Emirates.

The 58-year-old Scot and his former anchor on Sky, Richard Keys were both relieved of their duties following their sexist comments regarding assistant referee Sian Massey. Personally, I was relieved as well but, alas, after his exile period at Al Jazeera, Gray will commentate on the FA Cup this weekend. Here are a few things to expect….

5) Nonsensical clichés

“There are a lot of tired legs wearing Tottenham shirts.”

‘At the end of the day’, ‘the lads done good’, ‘it was a game of two halves’ are acceptable clichés because they almost make sense (albeit not always grammatically) but Andy Gray’s clichés are so superb for their surrealism – he is the Eddie Izzard of punditry and the Salvador Dali of one-liners. And they say women struggle with logic. He’s ‘hashtag facepalm’ all over the place.

4) Mathematical miscalculations

"The one thing that tackle wasn't was high and dangerous."

Gray may be old school in his attitudes but that’s likely because it was quite a long time since he went to school. Back in his day it was all about the three R’s reading, writing, and arithmetic. Since then our education system has improved the numeracy skills of the masses considerably with access to calculators and geometry sets now available to all. Even girls.

3) Statements of the obvious

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs."

Now I am in no position to comment on this particular subject but even my limited understanding of anatomy leads me to believe Gray is accurate in his assertion here. I think he has just been watching a lot of Bjork clips on YouTube in his quest to further his understanding of gender politics and feminist theory.

Football is a fertility festival. Eleven sperm trying to get into the egg. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper. Bjork

2) Freudians Slips

Speaking of which, they say language always gives you away, and the language of football is inherently sexually-charged. All that ‘coming inside’ and ‘in behind’, ‘penetrating’ and ‘Arshavin in the hole’. Still, we can always hope for a few Freudian slips to give us a giggle every now and then…

“For my money, Duff servicing people from the left with his balls in there is the best option.”

1) Absolutely NO sexism whatsoever

I have a slight suspicion – call it a prophecy, even – that Mr Gray will be minding his p’s and q’s this weekend. Having been pushed off his perch over at Sky, I would expect he’ll have learned from his experience. I hope so, anyway.

“Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don’t know the offside rule.”

Thus, I fully expect Gray to start quoting Simone de Beauvoir in the ad break whilst making Karen Brady a sandwich. I’m expecting a complete U-Turn, a nod to the Women Drivers Appreciation Society, a stand on toilet seat lifting, a defence of Mylie Cyrus, calls for a National Period Day, a backing for improved washroom facilities, and pitchside bra-burning before kick-off. I’m expecting a lot. We should. The reason being that if Gray and Keys had have made similarly ignorant and bad taste comments that were racist instead of sexist, they probably wouldn’t have been hired again. Just Google Ron Atkinson.

image: © joncandy

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