Sinitta, the ex missing from the kingdom of Cowell babyshower


She was not among the parade of Simon's godmotherly exes at his new girlfriend Lauren Silverman's fairytale event

In Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, a major nativity is stealing upon us. I speak, of course, of the birth of Simon Cowell's first child, who we now know will be a boy, and to whom Simon apparently refers as "Little Simon".

This week, Cowell's pregnant girlfriend Lauren Silverman had her baby shower. And by the looks of the arrivals photos, featuring a parade of godmotherly exes including Terri Seymour and Mezhgan Hussainy, it seems to have been quite the fairytale event. Which is to say: somewhat Grimm. The specific and staggering error is quite obviously the absence of Sinitta – or the 13th ex, as Lost in Showbiz prefers to think of her. What on Earth were they thinking? The failure to ensure madam's presence will result in the furious Sinitta placing a curse on the Cowell progeny, which will see Little Simon prick his finger on a gramophone needle on his 16th birthday, and put them all to sleep for 100 years.

During that time, the world will become a dark place: devoid of the nourishing diet of judge-based talent shows that had sustained it hitherto, and forced to endure terrifying artistic diversity as opposed to cover versions butchered comfortingly by homogenised Mormon teens. Meanwhile, an ever-thicker forest of brambles and trees will grow around Cowell's Beverly Hills mansion, obscuring even its famous mirrored gates. They will be savage days.

But all is not for ever lost! One day, a curious young Hollywood princess – Her Royal Highness North West – will stumble upon the overgrown mansion, and scythe away at the thickets until she penetrates its walls and liberates the sleeping karaoke princeling imprisoned therein. Thenceforth, the Cowell family's hegemony will be restored, and will once more have dominion over all the world until the end of time. Unfortunately, in the only downer to the tale, this comes just two days after the reawakening. Whether any of this could have been stopped had Sinitta been present at the baby shower is unclear: but what sort of appallingly cavalier new parent would dare to take the risk?

Powered by article was written by Marina Hyde, for The Guardian on Thursday 12th December 2013 18.22 Europe/London © Guardian News and Media Limited 2010