All the latest news and views from Stamford Bridge.
Headlines can often be misleading but the one above is not based on the nonsensical musings of a jabbering madman trying to behead himself in order to look inside his skull, but more one based on the variety of headlines from newspaper and online clippings from today's media… it has to be seen to be believed.
The space monkey nonsense? This is clearly a reference to the race scandal instigated by The Sun that has seen Roy Hodgson caught up in the middle, with Andros Townsend attempting to defuse the situation and, now, with further Chelsea interest after it was insinuated Ashley Cole leaked the story to the press (even though he wasn't even there) and Jose Mourinho claiming it all one big pile of bull-spit.
'When the kid involved [Townsend] comes out and supports the manager, I think no story,' said Mourinho. 'The players are the best judges and were in the dressing room and they say it’s a non-story. [Hodgson] has my support because I don’t think he was wishing to hurt somebody.
'You tell your agent, father, girlfriend. Somebody tells somebody and it comes out. It looks like the words are correct but the meaning is completely innocent.'
The Portuguese also feels that Lampard's changing role for the Blues will only help the national team. He told the official site of FIFA that: '[As age enhances] you have to play differently, adapt to a new situation, which he is doing very well. We are playing with two midfielders and a number ten.
'The two midfielders are more positional. They don't need to go forward as much because we have four attacking players permanently. This is good for [Lampard's] new life as a more mature player. He is in a stable moment in his career and can keep this stability for quite a time.
'His game and qualities are very adapted to Chelsea and the national team. They also play with two midfielders and one behind a striker, so he's more of a positional player. It's easy for him.'
Other speculative reports in the press, this time in Spain - Mundo Deportivo, account for a club backed by the wealth of Adidas, to have bid £210m for Lionel Messi at Barcelona during the summer. Because of Chelsea's affiliation with the sports brand, the £300m mega deal ratified this year, it appears the Blues are the media's choice of side most likely to have lodged the extraordinary offer. It was rejected, though, obviously.
Regarding Cardiff City, Andre Schurrle (leg injury) and Ashley Cole (ribs) will not feature.
And finally, an NBA player has been tabbed as the new Winston Bogarde.
Gilbert Arenas agreed a six-year, £70m mega deal with the Washington Wizards in 2008, however, a plague of injuries, a suspension for stashing guns in his locker (when he didn't have them licensed) and substandard form has seen his time on the playing courts limited. That hasn't stopped him using hundred dollar bills as bog roll, though.
image: © Ben Sutherland