What is the substance that continues to make the Spaniard's hair as flawless as his performances?
After watching the Arsenal v Everton game with far too much intensity I felt the time had come to open the floor and ask one of English footballs most pressing issues … what on earth does Mikel Arteta put on his hair?
For a man who was playing against his former club yesterday he never looked flustered once; and as usual not a single hair was out of place for the entire game.
So what does the raven haired midfield maestro put on that barnet of his that makes it impervious to effort?
Several theories have been put forward in the past.
According to the official Mikel Arteta’s Hair Facebook group there are several reasons why his hair never seems to have a loose strand.
In true Jeremy Clarkson Stig reference style let me give you some of the options.
Some say that every single strand on his head has been coached positionally to show exceptional quality while others maintain that his hair product was an ancient produce blessed by Spanish high priests and thought to contain the essence of life.
My old man continues to tell me that he must put boot polish in his hair. Perhaps at the age of 31 male pattern baldness has attacked the imperious talisman and getting out a tub of Kiwi to cover up the affected areas may be a more cost effective solution then taking the path of Jeremie Aliardiere, Wayne Rooney and Shane Warne.
Another theory is that he simply sleeps upside down, like a bat, with his head dipped gently inside a bucket of highly adhesive industrial solvent. However these rumours have yet to be substantiated.
Others believe that Arteta is the world’s main weapon against oil slicks. His super absorbent cranial follicles have therefore saved the lives of hundreds of thousands of sea-birds and most likely one over exuberant canine.
Or perhaps the question is not what on earth he puts on his hair at all? Who is to say a substance so untouchable is not from another place entirely. Out of this world and perhaps even dimension. Descended from an asteroid onto the Basque town of San Sebastian in 1982 to forever live among the forested head of Mikel Arteta; probably giving him superpowers and the gift of eternal life.
You can just see Arteta dipping into a telephone box Superman style right?
For Arsenal fans none of this matters. He has been on top form since the Bayern Munich defeat and as long as his performances stay as flawless as his hair; Arsenal fans will continue to sing his name.
image: © Ronnie Macdonald