S.x Tips From Cosmo

Cosmo Cover

Nerve.com, the anti-Match.com, compiles 44 of Cosmopolitan Magazine's most ridiculous sex tips (and even more hilariously, comments on them).

This could take you through the whole morning! Only because you'll have to send it to your inner circle, your best high school friend (the one who ripped out these pages and carried them in her PURSE), your high school boyfriend (who wondered why you had him and peaches going at the same time), your husband (who likes it laying down). And because you'll have to visit the ladies five times to fix your makeup after crying with laughter.

Our favourite five tips:

"Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"

In the middle of the day. Best time. Right when he’s at work. No way that could go wrong.

"Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."

Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

“Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.”

And don’t worry if you burp.

"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."

On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug.

"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, you're doing it wrong, you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman. The only logical step from here is to initiate something insanely complicated.

 

Read all 44 here. You won't be sorry. Nor will anyone else found in your bed.