In a groundbreaking move today, the FA announced they were commissioning well known city headhunting firm Fudgett and Prey to identify the next Captain of England. "We've made such a total hash of the last two appointments that we'd thought we use professionals to help get it right."
"Plus they offered a 'Buy one, get one free deal' on the Manager job although I reckon my grandmother armed with a stick of Rhubarb could knock that one out of the park." said our source.
In an exclusive scoop, our fly on the wall reporter can reveal the key points made in this highly confidential search briefing:
Networking skills? Ideally a very poor networker who has minimal contact and relationships with agents and WAGS, especially other people's.
Age profile? Under legal guidelines, we can only say below retirement age and over 16 but capability is everything.
Sex? Not too much as this caused problems in the first place. However the FA is an equal opportunities employer.
Qualifications? Anything greater than a GCSE in woodwork would probably make them appear a dangerous intellectual and alienate the dressing room.
Social Media skills? If the bloke has a Twitter account the deal's off.
Experience? Premier League preferred, we'd consider La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga. They'd have to be pretty exceptional to come from a tier 2 outfit, we're still getting over the stick we got for picking Geoff Thomas.
Technical skills? The ability to head, pass and trap a ball would be ideal but I suppose two out of three is par for the course. We're not expecting Usain Bolt but if they could turn and run faster than a tugboat, that would help.
Communication skills? Haven't we covered Twitter? Must be able to roar 'Come on, let's stick it up 'em' at crisis moments and berate referees continually without getting booked.
Public speaking? He's an important ambassador for not just the FA but the country as a whole. His status will make people listen. So if they want to say anything more than "Over the moon" and "We gave it 110 percent", they're out. We will, however, make our resident media coach available to coach them - look at the rave reviews we've got for the way we've handled Sven, Capello, Lord Triesman, our World Cup bid... need I go on?
The X factor? Must have a mean stare and iron handshake to intimidate at the toss up.
Salary & Benefits? Frankly peanuts. Bonuses will be based around performance so not much likely there. But their raised profile should guarantee a host of sponsorship deals and most importantly a career after football as a gurning Question of Sport panellist.
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