The US Government has today confirmed that it has successfully cloned its first ever investment banker.
A previously-secret government project has been working out of the Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico since the 2008 financial crisis. The idea was to try to create an honest investment banker who could act as a role model for the rest of the industry.
The cloned banker, known as 'Wally', has been created from the cryogenically frozen cells of two deceased Republican lawmaking icons (their identities will be kept a secret).
Designed so that he is incapable of engaging in such nefarious activities as insider dealing or rogue trading, Wally was primed to place clients first and to act in a responsible and ethical manner at all times.
The government has confirmed, however, that there were unexpected problems with the first prototype. Unfortunately, when he was first allowed out alone on a field test, Wally robbed four Mid-Western banks, orchestrated a $2bn Ponzi scheme, and was eventually arrested for throwing rotten tomatoes at President Obama during a campaign trip in Ohio.
After further modifications, however, these problems have been overcome, and Wally is now incapable of lying (he has no mouth), cannot steal (no arms) and is unable to cheat (no reproductive organ).
A US Government spokesperson said: 'While not exactly as we originally envisaged, Wally is still a significant improvement on the rest of the investment banking community. Using him as a role model, we remain confident that we can finally eradicate the threat of systemic risk to the financial system'.