HITC has managed to get hold of the confidential transcript of the telephone conversation that took place between JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon and UK Chancellor Alistair Darling earlier this month, soon after the UK bank bonus tax was announced.
Dimon: 'Hello Darling'.
Darling: 'Hello dear'.
Dimon: 'What's all this about a bank bonus tax, Alistair ?'
Darling: 'Well, Jamie. You know, we don't see why all these banks that we bailed out should make all that money'.
Dimon: 'But you didn't bail us out, Alistair, so why are we being taxed ?'.
Darling: 'But your own government did, Jamie'.
Dimon: 'But they're not taxing our bonus pool, Alistair, so what right have you got to do so ?'.
Darling: 'Good point, Jamie, but, let's face it, we're broke over here. Gordon's spent all our dosh; we need the money'.
Dimon: 'Don't you know who I am, Alistair ? I'm a God over here. They offer me sacrifices like Bear Stearns and Washington Mutual. You can't do this to me!'
Darling: 'I get that, Jamie, but it's nothing personal'.
Dimon: 'But I take it personally, Alistair; very personally. And you know that groundbreaking ceremony we invited you to for our new European HQ in Canary Wharf ?'
Darling: 'Sure, Jamie, I'm really looking forward to that'.
Dimon: 'Well, you can forget it. There won't be any groundbreaking ceremony in London now, coz we're relocating our European HQ somewhere else; probably somewhere in Asia. Get it ?'.
Darling: 'Is that a threat, Jamie ?'.
Dimon: 'No, it's a promise, Alistair. We expect our friends to look after us, you know. You always said that you guys were pro-business'
Darling: 'We always say that, Jamie; it's how we get elected'.
Dimon: 'You lot are idiots!'
Darling: 'Can't you just hang on until June before making a decision, Jamie ? We'll be out of office then. Davie Cameron will sort out all this mess then; he's already got my vote. Oh, and while you're on, any chance of a job after the election ?'.
Dimon: 'Sorry, Alistair, we only hire ex-Labour Prime Ministers'.
Darling: 'Oh, OK, shall I get Gordon to call you, then ?'.
Dimon: 'Eh, I wouldn't bother, Alistair; even we can only afford one New Labourite nose in our trough at a time'.
Darling: 'Is that it, then, Jamie ?'.
Dimon: 'Not quite, Tony's got a message for Gordon'.
Darling: 'What's that ?'
Dimon: 'He's says 'thanks' for making him look so good'.
Darling: 'I'll be sure to pass that along'.
Dimon: 'Well, goodbye Darling'.
Darling: 'Goodbye dear'.