'Hi, I thought it was time to update Here Is The City's vast readership with recent events in my hectic life.
As you may recall, a couple of years back I was on the look out for a rich banker to look after me, and keep me in the manner I felt entitled to become accustomed to. In those days, bankers were rich, and even very wealthy ones were two-a-penny. Since then, of course, the financial crisis has put paid to my aspirations. And the final straw came when US lawmakers recently restricted to one the number of mistresses bankers at firms which took government bailout money are able to have at any given time. Overnight, the market simply dried up, and the move proved to be the death-knell for my industry.
You may also remember that I thought I'd found my ideal man back in 2007, although he turned out to be not as rich as he made out, and he started to count the pennies when he lost his job. He even had the audacity to cancel delivery of my Porsche 911 Carrera, and the cheek to suggest that I accept a Dodge Viper instead! It was after that harrowing experience that I decided to focus on lawyers, and set hard to work attempting to reel one in. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that lawyers, although generally better looking (and usually slimmer than bankers), are also more intelligent. Frankly, it's much more difficult to pull the wool over their eyes. Even worse, they are notoriously tight. So, a few months back, on the basis that there must surely be a few rich bankers still at large out there, I then went out after one once again. And this time I was determined to bag decent prey.
It took several weeks to find another banker worthy of my attentions, and I worked extremely hard to sucker him in. Life became impossible, however, when he seemed to think that my affections for him were actually genuine, and he even started to talk about leaving his wife for me! And my alarm bells started ringing like crazy when he said that it would be easier to leave now, as the financial settlement wouldn't be that large since he had lost his job and had spent most of his savings on me anyway. Just how long did he expect me to stick around after telling me that ? I got in the Porsche and drove away as fast as I could!
I have to admit, however, that since then I've struggled. Management consultants (no matter how rich they are), are far too boring, politicians far too kinky, sports stars expect to share me with all their hangers-on (and I just won't stoop that low), and all the successful pop stars I've met ended up being gay. It's all so depressing. And just how long can a girl pass herself off as 25 ? Time isn't on my side any longer I know that, and the Russians (the only ones who seem to still have any money these days) generally go for teenagers (and usually ones that resemble small boys at that!). Do you think President Obama will agree to bail me out ? Now there's a thought............
PS - any rich banker reading this who would like the opportunity to meet with me, please go to www.iamrollinginitandamasucker.com , and send copies of your last 3 months bank statements to me at the PO Box No provided'.
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