Fired For Spending Too Much Time In The John!

Here's an old classic.

'I was fired recently because, essentially, I was spending too much time away from my desk, and not enough time behind it working. Strange, when you consider that I have spent the last year-and-a-half slogging into the office for a 7.15am start, and often worked through lunch and finished well after 9pm!

I do, however, have a minor medical problem - I developed a weak bladder over the last 18 months or so due to far too much coffee intake each day. And why, you ask, did I drink too much coffee ? Well, I needed the caffeine to keep me sharp throughout the day to get through all the work that my boss took sadistic pleasure in dumping on me.

My last boss never liked me. He took over our unit just short of 2 years ago, and I quickly realised that he was out of his depth and clueless. He had already peaked in career terms. I knew it. He knew it. But worse - he knew that I knew it. In hindsight, perhaps I should have done more to hide my utter contempt for his obvious lack of ability.

We soon entered into a battle of wits - a very uneven fight, I thought, given his lack of intellectual acumen. But he got his own back by literally trying to bury me with work. Any job that was going, I got it. Any document that needed to be drafted, I did it. And any client that had a complaint, I sorted it. He wouldn't back off, and I wouldn't back down. So I found myself staying longer and longer at work to cope with all the stuff that was coming my way. But it was worth it (at least at the start), as I gave the impression that it was all a piece of cake. And it drove my boss crazy. That's when he started following me to the toilet.

It was the coffee that did it, of course. It was both my salvation and the ultimate cause of my demise. I found I needed more and more to keep me on the top of my game, but it had somewhat obvious side effects - I probably had to take a pee every hour or so. And my boss soon clocked my weakness and went on the attack.

At first I thought I could handle it, but it got serious when he started using a stopwatch to track my movements (literally). Soon, every time I went to the toilet, he followed me. And it got really embarrassing, as some of my work colleagues clearly began to think that something unseemly was going on! It started to get to me, and I tried to stop going to the toilet so often - but that just became hugely uncomfortable, and I found that it distracted me from doing my work.

He'd got me on the run, and was winning the psychological war. I went to see my doctor, and he told me to just stop drinking coffee. But I knew that if I did, I'd drown under the sea of work my boss was piling up on top of me. In the end, I cracked. To my undying shame, I did the unthinkable. When my boss followed me into the toilet that very last time, I turned round and urinated all over his designer shoes. I was fired later that very day'.

I guess there's a moral here somewhere, and it's probably that, smart as you think you are, it's very difficult to take on your boss (even a thick and incompetent one) and win. In future, I'm going to keep my head down and work, and not get caught up in mind games and power trips'.

JefferiesAnd the Best Place to Work in the global financial markets 2017 is...

Register for Financial Markets News Alerts